Midnight Thoughts

 

It is early morning, and I'm having a difficult time sleeping.  Waking up to cramps in the foot doesn't help.  From what I'm guessing, it could be a lack of drinking enough water. Can't go back to sleep, so I thought I would just write. I know I need to get a good night's sleep.  This is a period of time when the body begins to heal itself.

I'm wrestling with the idea of my own mortality.  Life is so short in retrospect.  You never even consider that your life is coming to an end until you develop a terminal disease.  Then you begin asking yourself a million questions.  Why did this happen?  What did I do to deserve this?  Haven't I gone through enough trials in my life?  Why did this happen now when I was just starting to get my life together?  So many questions.

Ultimately, God is the author of our days. I know that going through suffering, trials, and tribulations develops our faith and gives us the strength to overcome the next situation or circumstance.  In the development of our faith, God walks with us through the difficulties we face and even sometimes carries us.  I am grateful that we never have to walk this journey alone.

We also need to trust God and His Sovereignty.  He has given us our family and friends to help us in these difficult times.

It's funny because my son and I were talking, and he wanted to know what my idea of a family was.  Something I haven't really experienced in my childhood.  Not a healthy one anyway.  I looked at family as a unit that supports and cares for one another emotionally and spiritually.  We have our biological family, friends we consider family, and our church family.  They can encourage and pray for us.  They can help take care of us by taking us to doctor's appointments, cooking, or helping to care for us during our recovery.  

I am grateful for my church family, who have continued to pray for me during this process.  This has been very encouraging for me.  I am grateful for God and his providence.  God always seems to know what I need and when I need it.

Scarlett

Battlelines Have Been Drawn: Healthy vs. Unhealthy

 

It's funny how things like cancer or any other serious diseases can cause us to reevaluate our lives.  As a woman of faith, I began looking at things introspectively many years ago.  Although, I've never been very good at it.  It is so easy to look through the lens of what others do than yourself.  

We continue to live our lives as if nothing will ever go wrong or bad.  I was already heading on a collision course with my own health.  I've had many warning signs, but never really took them seriously.  I had my gallbladder removed in 2014.  It looked like a precursor to where I am today.  I know it was due to my extremely healthy diet of deep fried foods (which I absolutely love), breads, and of course, the dreaded dessert.  There was really nothing healthy about my diet.  Vegetables (yuck), fruits are about the only thing I really liked.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think eating junk food or the lack of fruits and vegetables would rear its ugly head and take me down.  

My doctor warned me about not eating a healthy diet.  Eating fast food didn't help my cause either plus all the processed foods.  I counted it all good that I didn't smoke or drink alcohol.  I never even understood why my metabolism had shut down.  The body is a very complex thing.  It can take a lot of abuse but will eventually come to the point of resistance and fail.

I used to walk with my sister and mom many years ago.  Now my sister is gone and my mom can no longer really walk very far.  It's always nicer to have a walking partner, someone to talk to while your walking.  I did walk with a friend, but that wasn't good since she would always talk to someone else on the phone.  I might as well have been walking on my own.  Of course, my husband hates walking in the city because it affects his joints.  So I started exercising indoors, but don' t think I ever got my heart rate high enough to burn off any of the calories I consumed each day.  I think I was never able to lose my weight because I ate more than what I could burn off in a day.  

Needless to say, the change of diet has begun to help.  Eating more fruits and vegetables and less carbs.  I do partake in something sweet to eat every now and then, but not at the level I once did.  I try to jog in place every day and do ten minutes of HIIT exercises.  I needed to also find a way to strengthen my core.  Turning down unhealthy foods every day is getting much easier and the taste of vegetables is getting much better.  I don't really have a lot of sugar craving and my emotional state has started too improve.  Hopefully, eating healthier will also reverse any cell damage created by my unhealthy choices.

I think of the Daniel Diet and the book of Daniel where Daniel challenges the kings servant to let him only eat fruits and vegetables instead of all the rich delicacies offered to him.  Nothing could compare to how much healthier he looked when the challenge was over.

I believe we are given these bodies to take care off as God's living temple.  What better way to express our gratitude for what God has given us than to take care of the things he has given us.  Life is definitely to short to live for the moment. For me, I know I need to make a conscience decision to eat right, exercise and pray daily.

Scarlett

Stepping Into A Futuristic World

 I went for my breast reconstruction consultation today.  That was an interesting visit, to say the least. The office itself was a little hard to find and I wasn't the only one to feel this way.  Another woman had the same experience in locating their office. When I entered the office I felt as if I was entering a futuristic world of medicine.  As if, I was in some type of futuristic time warp.  Everything was white or light gray, walls and chairs. The receptionist sat in an area which was small and empty.  Only a desk with just a computer and an iPad which was used for us to fill out our paperwork.  The door to enter her small domain blended into the wall, barely noticeable.  Of course, she was very friendly and helpful. There were no pictures on the walls that made the office warm and welcoming. I don't think there were even any plants.  Everything appeared to be very clean and sterile. She also needed to take my photograph for my records.  I've been told it's so they can recognize me whenever I call or come into the office.  I have had to do this at every doctors office I've been to. I'm beginning to feel as if I'm entering some sort of prison.

We were called and walked through double frosted glass doors.  I really felt as if I was entering the twilight zone. We were lead into an examining room which was very clean and neat.  The staff was also friendly. The doctors assistant came in and took more photographs of me at different angles. While we were waiting, we were given an iPad to watch a video presentation of the service they offered.  I believe they really only preferred the Autologous Reconstruction (Diep Flap Reconstruction).  I guess it could also be referred to a tummy tuck.  Wow! what a way to get rid of your extra fat.  

The surgeon explained  to us about the procedure he recommended, the pros and cons of the surgery and any risk factors.  I also had a referral to go and get a CTA of my abdomen due to a previous surgery I had many many years ago.  It's kind of funny how the past can come back and haunt you.  The CTA is a computed tomography angiography.  This is a special kind of picture of the blood vessels in my stomach and pelvis.  This is to make sure the blood vessels haven't been compromised and can still be used.  I pray and hope this doesn't cause more complications.  The doctor told me the skin and fat from my abdomen have the best color to match my breast.  The reconstruction using my own skin and fat tissue would still allow me to feel the touch of someone as in a hug or embrace.  The other procedure had other complications, such as the implant moving and not having any warmth or sensations, also the possibility of any damage or future replacement.  A regular breast implant can be done at the same time as the mastectomy, with a same day in and out procedure.  One the other hand, the Diep Flap Reconstruction can also be done at the same time as the mastectomy but would require a two day stay in the hospital with a longer recovery time.  My thoughts of an implant moving somewhere other than where it was supposed to be was disconcerting.  Not to mention additional surgeries if the implants got damaged or my body rejected the implant.

I was reassured by the surgeon that he had done many of these procedure with no complications or deaths.  That's reassuring, right.  My hopes were lifted, when he told me the surgery could be done withing four weeks.  They would just need to coordinate the date with my other surgeon.

I receive the new date of my surgery and to my disappointment it was six weeks away.  Further, than I had hoped for.

Through all this, I believe God is still working.  My husband will be able to go on the men's retreat and not have to worry about my recovery.  God is good.  I believe this is within God's plan.  I am continuing to pray for healing, eating healthier and exercising.  Hopefully, these three things will make the surgery flow smoothly and minimize any complications.

Scarlett

The Second Opinion

 I had my appointment today for a second opinion on my cancer.  I spoke with an internalist and after looking at all my images came to the same conclusion.  Surgery is my only option if I want to survive.  My hope was for something other than surgery.  It appears I had false hope for a cure that was not as invasive as surgery.  This has really set me back emotionally and mentally.  I was looking for more of a holistic approach to curing this disease.  Not only did I find out surgery was my best and only option, I found out because of the genetic mutation I would also be prone to colon cancer.  Such devastating news for me. He also explained to me that if I went with the lumpectomy only, I would have too have a mammogram or MRI every six months.  He also confirmed for me that my surgeon was correct in how she was treating my cancer.

The question now is do I start all over again with all new testing and biopsies or continue with the original plan.  The outcome is ultimately the same.  If I want to survive, I need to proceed with the surgery.

I have really taken this news very hard.  It is so easy to fall into a deep depression.  This medical team has been very supportive.  They have suggested counseling and taking a deeper look at genetic testing to understand what it means.  So much is happening it is quite overwhelming.

This is taking an emotional toll on me.  I am glad my husband is so supportive and is really trying to understand what I feeling and experiencing.  It is a hard decision to make.  I know everyone going through cancer does not have the exact same experience or approach.  So it is hard to find people going through the same situation.  Why is it some people seem to get help faster than others?  Why does it seem as if others seem to connect more with each other?  I am thankful and grateful for a loving Father.

I am still looking toward my Father in heaven for healing and answers.  He has a purpose for my life and is not done with me yet.  So in the meantime, I will be patient and wait, listening for that still small voice.

Scarlett

Seeking Alternative Options

 Well it has been a difficult week again.  I am not sure again what to do.  I talked with a friend and she suggested getting a second opinion.  After asking for prayer at church and the prayers of those praying for me, I have decided to go for a second opinion.  I feel at peace with this, even though it will prolong any treatment I receive.

I had spoken with my surgeon and she did not offer any other solutions than surgery.  She was not very encouraging when it came to the MRI biopsy and waiting for the results of the tests.  The attitudes of the staff have seemed to  changed to an attitude of me being an annoyance at best.  Lets just get the surgery over and down with and move on. 

For whatever reason, I'm just not comfortable with going through with the surgery.  I need to find another option.  Maybe this is God letting me know to search for something else. I also have another friend who suggested I go with my gut feelings.

In the meantime. I feel as if the cancer is continuing to grow.  I can sense it growing as each day passes.  I have to admit, I am scared.  The thought of not seeing my great granddaughter grow into a young lady, my grandchildren starting lives of their own, traveling and seeing all the things God has created.  These are important things to me.  

I have made another appointment for a second opinion.  So far, I feel optimistic even though it is going to prolong my treatment.  I have already set up my appointments for the second opinion.  I have also set up my appointment for a consultation with the breast reconstruction surgeon.  Also, why didn't I begin some form of treatment before this thing grew to where it is today.  My hope and prayer is that the cancer hasn't manifested into something worse and can no longer be treated.

I am really working diligently to change my lifestyle habits and built my immune system.  I need to find a way to begin fighting this cancer.  I have begun being more active through physical exercise and changing my diet.  I do feel better overall, but I feel as if the cancer is still spreading.  In a way, I feel as if it is spreading like a wild fire!  Even through this I am also working on keeping my mind focused on God and my family.  

Scarlett