Another Glorious Day

 

I finally got the call to schedule my second breast surgery.  I have to say that I'm really scared and apprehensive about the surgery.  I've read through the consent form and all the risks.  Initially, I was anxious to finish the entire procedure. Leave everything behind me and go on with my life.  The thought of the risks really frightens me.  In the end, is it worth it? I pray that God will continue to be with me through the process.  

The surgery is an in-and-out procedure and will take about 45 minutes to complete.  Hopefully, there will not be any complications.  I am confident in my doctor's skills.  My fear is my own ability to recover from another surgery. All the medications have been submitted.  It will also be another six weeks with no exercise, except for walking. 

I am trying to remain positive and to be grateful for all things.  Sometimes I think it's really hard to remain positive when there are many stressors in life.  I think there will be a lot of stress on the day of the surgery. One, we have to be at the hospital two hours before the surgery.  Two, the hospital is also under construction, and parking will be limited.  Plus, I can't have anything to drink all day until after the surgery.  Small sips of water throughout the day.  Again, is it really worth it?

My mind is really racing today.  What will the final outcome be?  Will the surgery make things worse?  I don't want to have to go through more surgeries trying to correct the first. God, what do I do?  I've prayed about this and don't know what the answer is.  Sometimes I wish it were an audible answer.  How do I know for sure if it is the right thing to do?

I continue to trust God in the process.  I know my hope is in Him.  Continuing to walk this journey one day at a time, praying that one day I can put this behind me. 

Scarlett

The End Of A Difficult Year

 It is hard to believe we have come to the end of another year.  A year filled with fear, hope, love, anger, depression, disappointments, and challenges.  I thank God every day for bringing me through these challenges. I am grateful for my family and friends who have prayed for me and have been there for me. I am also thankful for my pastor and my church family.

 Finding out I had cancer in June and all the decisions we had to make. The fear I felt, and the many nights I cried, not knowing where this diagnosis was going to lead me. The ups and downs of life, as well as the uncertainty of the future.  Even though I am cancer-free today, it does not mean that it will never return. I struggle with this fact, especially when I hear of someone else I know diagnosed with some form of cancer. I have been trying to learn as much as I can about this disease and how it can affect my family in the future. I have also tried fundraising for cancer research and helping cancer patients through the American Cancer Society.  This only added to my frustration; it seemed as if no one was interested, or it just didn't matter. I still try to understand why I developed cancer in the first place and how my DNA mutated.

It's even been harder to maintain a change in lifestyle, diet, and exercise, especially during the holidays.  I seemed to make it through Thanksgiving okay, but Christmas has been a little more challenging. All the snacks, parties, desserts, and foods are very tempting. Even when some of those gifts are given, or desserts are requested. I felt so disappointed when I found out I had gained four pounds. You begin eating desserts, and before you know it, you've eaten more than you realize.  The stresses of everyday life have also been difficult.  My son, his son, and his daughter have moved in with us temporarily.  It has been a difficult transition, as our lifestyles are extremely different.  I'm trying to refrain from all the junk food, fast food, and fried foods, which are what they consume.  The convenience of fast food has led to a huge decline in my own health. My husband tells me to continue cooking as I did before, and if they eat, that's good; if they don't, that's okay too.  

Although life is more stressful today than usual, I know I have nothing to fear, and it will not always be.  God is with me every day.  He is my firm foundation and my refuge.  God is faithful through all generations, and I am extremely grateful for all these things.

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, "

                                                                                                                   Hebrews 12:28

Although this year has had many challenges and fears, it has also had love, hope, and healing. Not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually.  This year has helped me to realize I have friends who care and are praying for me.  I have family who love me even when some days I feel alone and empty inside. We can not live life by our emotions because sometimes our emotions lie to us.  We need to trust in God and learn to live by that fact more than emotion.  I have hope for the coming year, no matters what happens God is with me always.  This is truth, not my truth but God's truth and that's what matters most.

Scarlett

Musings

 

The holidays have always been a challenge for me. This time of year led to major depression. As an adult with a family, I never wanted to set up a Christmas Tree or decorate the house.  I would do such things right before Christmas Day. I even tried to incorporate new traditions with not much success.The holidays have never been what I had dreamed of as a child or an adult. My favorite part of the holidays is going to church.  This is where I found the most peace. Praising and worshiping God. I looked at the world and wondered what had happened to me.  Sometimes depression started to set in because of my family, perhaps due to my own high expectations at the time.  As a child, my family never prayed before meals or sat at the dinner table. We never talked about what happened during our day or anything happening in our lives. Everyone complained about everything and was very critical.  I have looked introspectively and discovered some things about myself.  Such as being secretive and hiding who I am because everything I said and anything I did was used against me. I could never be comfortable with who I was created to be. Being criticized about the gifts I purchased has caused me much stress. Giving and generosity were never taught. I had no positive influences in my life, only negativity. I also never understood the love of God, even though I attended church every Sunday.  To me, even God was judgmental and punishing. I never truly understood the grace of God. I allowed fear to govern my life.

I thank God for bringing my husband into my life.  He has taught me what love and grace look like.  He has been patient with me when I was at my worst and stood by me when my health began to fail.  Along with God he has been my rock.  It has taken many years to overcome my depression but consistently going to bible study and prayer has helped me to see God in a new light.

Stress and negative emotions could have also been a catalyst for my cancer along with my unhealthy diet. I am grateful I am no longer in that place.  My life has changed significantly. We eat, pray, and talk about the events of our day.  Finding joy in the things I'm doing and trying new things.  My life and my expectations have also changed since finding out I had cancer.  I now see life differently.  I try not to allow little annoyances to bother me too much.  I am also trying to step out of my box and experience new things (like this blog).  I no longer want to live in a world of secrecy, I don't believe God created me to live this way.  I need to continue exploring and developing the talents and skills God has given me.

This Christmas season remember the hope we have in Christ Jesus.  Create a gratitude list and ponder the blessings you have been given each day.  Even the most basic things as a roof over you head and food to eat, clean drinking water and hot showers.  Some things we never even consider and sometimes take for granted.

A good scripture verse to remember also is 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self control. This gives us so much freedom not only personally but socially.

Many Blessing,

Scarlett

Like Snowflakes Every Journey is Unique

Finally had the colonoscopy done.  The actual procedure was not as bad as the prep. I felt like I was going into surgery again. My appointment was set early in the morning, so I had my granddaughter with me. My husband was going to drop me off and then take her to school.  This seemed to be a problem with the hospital because they would not start the procedure without him being there. The good thing was that I had to answer a lot of questions and change into my fancy hospital gown, which gave him time to return.  He couldn't even wait in the parking lot.  He had to stay in the area the entire time. Apparently, they have had problems with the patients' drivers not being available when the patients were ready to go home.  The nurse came in and started an IV, which, of course, caused some discomfort. I still have a bruise and pain in my hand from the insertion of the IV. The anesthesiologist came in to notify me of the anesthesia he would be administering. The doctor performing the colonoscopy spoke with me, and to my surprise, it was my GI doctor. It felt as if I was semi-conscious because I could hear voices talking. Perhaps it was the anesthesia wearing off. My doctor let me know they found a small polyp and removed it.  He said everything else looked good and did not see any concern about the polyp being cancerous. They will consult with me in about two weeks.  He also let me know some other good news.  The MRI of my pancreas was also good.  This has been so encouraging for me and a relief.

 Learning about cancer has been an interesting subject for me. It is also encouraging to know the survival rate is very high if cancer is detected in the early stages. I am also surprised at the types and subtypes of cancer that exist.  I enjoy hearing the stories of cancer patients and survivors.  I believe we can all learn something from their stories. Each of us has a story to tell, and even though we may have the same type of cancer, the treatment for each individual is different. To my own surprise, I didn't need to go through radiation treatment or chemotherapy before or after my surgery.  I could never imagine or understand the fear they must feel when going through radiation therapy or chemotherapy.  What a joyous feeling they must feel when they can ring the bell after cancer treatment is completed, marking the end of a difficult journey and the beginning of a new chapter in their lives.  It is true that when you are diagnosed with cancer, your life changes, and your priorities change. When we are going through cancer and cancer treatment, it's important to also remember to love and care for each other.  It is also true that some of us may feel isolated from our families and friends because they don't know how to react to us when we are diagnosed with cancer.  I believe many people still believe cancer is a death sentence, and we need to help people become more aware of the survival rate of cancer patients today.

I believe our faith in God is also important as we walk through this life.  The hope we have in Christ Jesus.  Maintaining a positive attitude also helps strengthen our immune system, reduces stress, improves our relationships, and enhances mental well-being. As stated in Proverbs 17:22 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Scarlett

The Storms of Life

I had my first consultation with the GI doctor today.  I love how efficient the staff is and the easy check-in procedure.  I didn't need to fill out endless pages of paperwork.  I wasn't quite sure what to expect from the visit.   I spoke with the doctor, explaining why I was there and the results of the genetic testing.  Since he didn't have a copy of the results, he said he would start with a colonoscopy. He told me the other tests were costly and wanted to wait until he reviewed the genetic testing. If the ATM gene were found in my genetic testing, I would need to have a colonoscopy once a year; otherwise, every 10 years. He said he would let me know about any other testing once he received the genetic test results. My colonoscopy has been scheduled, and I'm not looking forward to it.

Later in the afternoon, I received another call from the imaging facility to make an appointment, for what I did not know.  It is very frustrating talking with their appointment setters.  You can never understand what they are saying, and the background noise doesn't help. Also, having to repeat insurance information every time is crazy.  All of this information should be in their database.  Then they want to know why I was making the appointment, how I would know what it was for, and why it took half an hour to set it. After talking with the person on the phone, I figured the GI doctor got the results. The appointment was for an MRI of my abdomen.

I have also had my visit with the gynecologist/oncologist.  After speaking with her, she recommended having my ovaries removed.  There was no way to detect ovarian cancer in its early stages.  Even yearly monitoring would not help.  So my next decision is whether or not to have the ovaries removed, just as a precaution.

This week was very difficult emotionally.  I had a cold and was not feeling well. I'm not sure how long it will take to recover, since the loss of estrogen also lowers my immunity. I've also started taking some probiotics, which should help boost my immune system.  Thinking about having my ovaries removed and all the additional testing.  I just want my life back.

The best thing was going to bible study or just plain studying my bible.  There is so much encouragement and insight in reading and studying God's word.  I was so depressed about my outcome, but remembered Paul's words.  God said his grace was sufficient for me.  For my power is made perfect in weakness.  I'm just paraphrasing, of course.  I was also reminded of how faithful God is, even though sometimes he allows certain thing to happen.  We must look for the blessings in our circumstances and rejoice, pray and give thanks in everything.  One woman in my bible study, who is losing her eyesight put it this way.  How can I not have joy when God has given me so much. The blessings outweigh the circumstance.  I know sometimes I take people, God and life for granted. Sometimes it's hard to see the blessing through the circumstances of our lives.  Always look up to God praise him in the storm, pray for healing or guidance and be grateful for all things.  

Scarlett

Side Effect Blues

 

Today has been hard for me. I feel an overwhelming sadness to the point of just wanting to break down and cry. I've prayed and journaled about this feeling. I know I'm not alone on this journey.  God and my family are always with me.  I'm not sure if it's the medication or just life circumstances. Life has been very stressful lately.  My medication could also cause depression and mood swings. I don't like the thought of having to monitor my health for the rest of my life.  I have also had a lot of pain, not only in my breast but also in my leg. Which could also be a side effect of the medication.  I really don't want to have to change drugs and begin all over again. Most of all, I don't want to take another pill for depression.  After all, most medications have side effects, some more terrible than others. My other option is to not take the estrogen blocker and take the chance that the cancer will not recur. Continuing the path to healthy eating, exercise, prayer, and bible study. Which I would prefer. 

I am constantly learning something new about the medication I am taking.  Apparently, one side effect not on the list of side effects is stress urinary incontinence.  Lower estrogen can cause a weakening of the muscles and nerves that control the bladder, along with menopause and obesity.  Although not all women taking anastrozole are affected by stress urinary incontinence.  Fortunately, there are exercises you can do to help strengthen the muscles around the pelvic floor. Knowledge is key, and learning new ways to maintain it is important.

It has also occurred to me that our emotions can also have an effect on our overall health.  I remember hearing many years ago how stress can cause chronic diseases. I believe this to be true; anxiety, anger, unforgiveness, and many other emotions can lead to many health issues.  All of which can lead to depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, and many other vices.  All is a subject for another time.

The good news is I no longer need to go to physical therapy twice a week.  Only once a week for the next three weeks.  I'm ready for this to be finished.  I can do all these stretches at home.  The most important part was the message therapy to my breast to soften the breast tissue and get the blood circulating.  The message also helped with reducing the scar tissue.  It has also been interesting talking to the physical therapists.  I was curious as to why they chose breast reconstruction therapy; both therapist said their mothers had breast cancer.  One survived and the other passed away, but both young women wanted to help other women going through reconstructive surgery.

 I still have many appointments scheduled for the next few weeks.  I have to undergo a CT scan, a consultation with a GI specialist and a gynecologist/oncologist, as well as additional lab work. I also canceled my appointment with the genetic counselor.  My insurance company will not cover the consultation, so I need to explore alternative options.

I am grateful for God because God is good all the time.  No matter what life throws at me, I know God will use it for my good and the good of others.  To grow my faith, strengthen me, and lead me to be more like his son, Jesus. To spread the good news or just as a lesson in life. Stay focused on God always.

Scarlett

Richard & Annette Bloch Cancer Survivors Park

 After dropping off some friends at the airport, we stopped at Papago Park to have lunch and take pictures.  It was a beautiful day, since it had just rained.  On our way home, we noticed a sign for Richard & Annette Bloch Cancer Survivors Park in downtown Phoenix.  We stopped to check it out.  To my dismay, the park was in disrepair, neglected, and vandalized. Some of the bronze plates were missing, and the fountain was not operational (probably due to the homeless).  It had originally been designed to give hope to cancer patients who were recently diagnosed with cancer.  The park was designed to offer hope, instruction, and inspiration to those undergoing cancer. There were three factors present. 1) Was to have a positive mental attitude. 2) Five bronze figures representing fear, hope, and determination. Three bronze figures representing successful treatment. 3) The Road to Recovery, which explained what cancer is and basic actions to successfully overcome the disease.  The bronze statues were created by Victor Salmones as a labor of love.  It is so sad that his work of art was destroyed.

This was a beautiful way to show people that cancer was not a death sentence and there was hope.  It was encouraging and told a story of hope and determination.  That we should never give up, no matter what. I did not even know this park existed.  It was founded by Richard and Annette Bloch after he was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal lung cancer and told he had only three months to live. I thought his story of fighting back and not accepting the diagnosis was very encouraging.  Surviving stage 4 lung cancer is remarkable.

I have met and known so many people who have had different types of cancer and have survived.  I don't think we hear of too many of those stories.  My mom even mentioned the same thing one day. Why don't we hear of people who have survived?  Fortunately, I know many women who have survived breast cancer.  Women who have had either a lumpectomy or a mastectomy.  Having been diagnosed with breast cancer myself and being a survivor has led me to want to know more about the disease.

I think it is important to know everything about the type of cancer you're fighting. To have faith and never give up.  I feel Richard Bloch has a fascinating story and can be read on the website for Richard & Annette Bloch Foundation, and his vision for helping cancer patients.  It is so true that knowledge heals, ignorance kills.

Scarlett

The Oncologist

 I must admit I am struggling emotionally today.  I spoke with my oncologist today, and he shared the results of my genomic testing with me.  Not only do I have the risk of colon cancer, but also pancreatic and ovarian cancer.  Can I ever get a break???  My cholesterol levels are elevated and, of course, my favorite fatty liver. I feel like my health is sliding out of control.  I have changed my diet and have been exercising, but nothing seems to be helping.  My eyesight is also deteriorating.  I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up.  I understand that some of the cancer results are just risks.  My oncologist has also referred me to a genomic counselor to review the test results to help me gain a better understanding of them. Another problem is that my insurance does not cover genetic counseling. Plus, the results of the bone density test.  Apparently, I also have osteopenia, low bone density.  This could lead to osteoporosis. In taking an estrogen blocker, my bone density will need to be monitored more often, and I need to be mindful that it is easier to break a bone. ( I guess playing any type of sport is out) Fortunately, this can be reversed, again through a combination of diet and exercise.  I am seeing a recurring theme here. I also have a referral to a gynecologist/oncologist to check my pelvis and ovaries.  Once again, I need to have those lovely pap smears (Ugh) and lab work to check my pancreas. All of this is quite overwhelming.  My husband is questioning all the testing.  Is it really necessary...

I had my visit with my breast reconstruction surgeon, and he said all restrictions have been lifted.  I can do all the things I did before the surgery.  This has been good news for me.  He also told me I would need to schedule another appointment in six weeks to discuss a second surgery. This surgery was intended to make any changes I wanted, such as adding nipples, removing any scarring, and making my breasts asymmetrical.

I have also begun taking the estrogen blocker Anastrozole.  I am just waiting to see what type of side effects it will have on me.  Hopefully, there should be none, as this medication can cause bone loss. I also need to go back to my original diet before the surgery. I feel as if I'm going down the same path that led me to the cancer. It is so much easier to consume food out of convenience than to prepare a healthier meal.  I need to remain focused on my health and spiritual life rather than what is easy.

Scarlett

Faith in God

 

It has been seven weeks since my surgery.  I am finally able to sleep on my side.  I am so excited! No more bed wedges, recliners, or just plain sleeping on my back. I am finally able to turn. Yeah!!!  I know this is a small win, but I'll take it.  I don't even feel as much pain getting out of bed each morning.  Although I have been experiencing some pain in the left side of my abdomen whenever I bend or move in certain positions.

I went to physical therapy today and discussed this with my therapist.  When she examined my abdomen, she said it could be an air pocket.  How could this happen? I wondered.  She massaged my abdomen, arms, and breasts. She checked my wounds and said everything was looking good.  I then finished my PT with my usual stretches.

I had always thought physical therapy was a waste of time and money.  Plus, the drive was long for the amount of time I was there.  I now see the benefits of going, even though I felt it was inconvenient.  I can see how important it is for overall health and healing.  I have really been trying to do exactly what the doctors tell me to do.  

Going through breast cancer has helped me to see how diet and exercise are important in my overall health.  I have attempted to teach young children about healthy eating habits and exercise for years, but I have never practiced eating healthy myself.  I was always active, but over the past several years, not so much.  I started to consume more food than I exercised and gained so much weight, even to the point of being considered obese.  I can't even say I felt good being overweight.  From my understanding, this is one of the leading reasons for certain types of cancer. Obesity can lead to the production of increased insulin, inflammation, and estrogen. Too much estrogen is what fed my cancer.

A couple of years ago, I started investigating the reasons why my metabolism had slowed down.  I might have developed insulin resistance, so I started intermittent fasting. Not even realizing how insulin resistance affected many areas of the body, including diabetes. I thought I would have developed diabetes long before cancer.  I always felt I had the symptoms of diabetes, but testing for diabetes always came back negative. Thank God, I'm not sure which would be worse, cancer or diabetes.

 I am still working on eating healthier and exercising, praying daily and studying my bible.  I think these are the core foundations of a lifestyle change I need to continue in my life.  My faith in God has brought me much hope in the healing process. God continues to walk with me daily, and I know I would never have been able to get through this time without God and my family. Prayers from my church family have also been crucial to my healing. Through my church family I have been able to experience the love of Christ.

Scarlett

A New Dawn

 

After the surgery was completed, I was taken to the recovery room.  I don't really remember anything that happened while I was there.  I was then taken to a regular room.  I would be in the hospital for two days.  Making sure there were no complications from the surgery.  Monitors were attached to my breasts and, of course, my IV.

It was nice to see the family there.  It was encouraging to know they cared enough to be there.  Even though I don't remember everything.  My youngest granddaughter was busy doing her homework, or so we thought.  She just loves to milk time and hates schoolwork.  I know it was hard for my oldest granddaughter to be there, since her ex-boyfriend and the father of her baby lives across the street. She has always been my angel since the day she was born. I suffered from depression most of my life.  When she was born, she brought hope with her. I felt a new purpose for my life. We spent a lot of time together.  I couldn't wait to get home from work and hold her.  She was my lifeline. I didn't acknowledge God at that period of time, but looking back, I believe God sent her to save my life.  Life has never been easy for me, but having them there brought a sense of peace.  I truly felt as if God had answered my prayers.  I was also surprised to hear from my sister, the one who wished I had never mentioned having cancer. She called the day before I was admitted to the hospital and every day I was there. We had some good conversations, and she made me laugh.  She never came to visit me, even though I was close to where she lived. Of course, my mom didn't come because the hospital was far from her house, but she at least called.  I know she was concerned and prayed that everything went well.

The time in the hospital didn't seem long. This could be due to all the drugs I was taking.  The nurses were friendly and communicative.  I had a visit from my first surgeon, and she stated that everything looked good.  A visit from my second surgeon's physician's assistant also stopped by and said the same thing.  

I had one drain attached to each side, which removed any fluid from my breast that could cause any possible infection.  I'm guessing the nurses were surprised I didn't have four.  The nurses would come in twice a day to check my drains.  There was not much drainage while I was in the hospital.  I did ask the nurses and doctor if this was normal, and they said "yes".  When it was time for me to be discharged, the nurse showed my husband how to drain my drains.

Everything looked good, and I was released from the hospital and on my way back home.  My son had stopped by the house to rearrange the room, making it more easily accessible.  I was to use a walker for a few days.  

As the days passed, I found it extremely difficult to sleep since I could only sleep in an upright position.  I had purchased a wedge for my bed to help me sleep.  That didn't work well.  

My husband continued to check my drains each day.  There was still not much drainage.  When I went back to the doctor the following week.  He removed my drains.  I was surprised and could not believe this was happening so soon.  I've heard breast drains are usually left in for two to three weeks, and most people have more drainage.  I wondered if this was a good or bad thing.  I certainly was not looking for any complications from them being removed too early.  Although I was ecstatic at the news.  He also told me I needed to start walking one mile every day.

I am amazed and happy that everything looked good.  I still believe that the preparation of diet and exercise I undertook before the surgery was helpful. Most of all, the prayers I received from my church family and friends.  I could really sense their prayers.  I feel so blessed over how everything has gone. God is so so good!!!

Scarlett

An Unexpected Phone Call

I received a phone call from my doctor's office informing me that I had the opportunity to reschedule my surgery date.  This was a huge surprise.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  I truly believe this is another sign that God is at work.  The only thing is that the surgery was just one week away.  I had to go down and sign authorization papers for the Diep flap surgery and take care of any other pre-op things.  My surgeon didn't waste any time sending in all the meds I would need after the surgery.  Seven prescriptions in all, ranging from pain meds to antibiotics.  I began receiving phone calls from the hospital, insurance company, and doctors' offices.  Things started to move very quickly. 

We also contacted the school office and teachers to let them know my granddaughter will be out of school for the entire week.  We didn't think she would be able to focus on her class work, knowing I was going through the surgery.  Plus, we didn't have a way to get her to and from school. Her teachers were also very supportive of our decision.  My husband decided to book a hotel room near the hospital, as it was located on the other side of town, since my check-in time was at 5:30 a.m.  This was a very stressful week.  So happy that everything is done and ready to move on to the next step.

My next step was to buy a bottle of Magnesium Citrate to clear my bowels, which wasn't much fun. The stuff tasted horrible, especially since it was cherry-flavored; you would think it would have tasted better. I had to drink the entire bottle. Then the fun began. You never knew when your next stop to the restroom would be. I wasn't quite sure if I would make it to the hotel before having to make another bathroom run. When we arrived at the hotel, we checked in, unloaded our luggage, and checked our room. We had noticed one of the amenities as we drove through the parking lot. The hotel apparently also had breakfast in the morning with a one-item limit. Unfortunately, I was unable to partake in their fine cuisine, as they did not start serving breakfast until 6:30 a.m. As we walked through the corridor, the lights were dim and the carpet was imprinted with the image of the lights above. Our room was at least clean, even though it had an unusual odor. After we settled in, we went to In-N-Out Burger to get something to eat.  I really like In-N-Out Burger, but even there, I could only eat so much. When we got back to the hotel, we decided to check out the pool.  It was a tiny swimming pool with a maximum of twenty-eight people. So small you could not even do laps, but it was also nice to relax by the pool and just sit there with my feet in the water, watching my granddaughter and husband swim (bummer I forgot to pack my swimsuit).  It was very quiet and peaceful.

 After returning to our room. I tried to relax and watch a movie, but I was either too anxious to watch the movie or sleep, perhaps it was the obstruction blocking my view of the TV. My husband kept putting his knee up and blocking my view. It definitely was not nice. It was nice not to be stressed about driving to the hospital and arriving on time. The only thing was that I was up every two hours, and didn't want to miss the wake-up time.

Even going through this time, I am grateful.  I feel as if God, has been preparing me for this time.  The change of diet and exercise.  The support of my children and grandchildren. Knowing my church family were praying for me was huge. Fear of the unknown can begin to take control if we let it, but I have chosen to place my trust in Jesus.  Praying every day for his will, peace and strength as I go through this period in my life.

Scarlett

Midnight Thoughts

 

It is early morning, and I'm having a difficult time sleeping.  Waking up to cramps in the foot doesn't help.  From what I'm guessing, it could be a lack of drinking enough water. Can't go back to sleep, so I thought I would just write. I know I need to get a good night's sleep.  This is a period of time when the body begins to heal itself.

I'm wrestling with the idea of my own mortality.  Life is so short in retrospect.  You never even consider that your life is coming to an end until you develop a terminal disease.  Then you begin asking yourself a million questions.  Why did this happen?  What did I do to deserve this?  Haven't I gone through enough trials in my life?  Why did this happen now when I was just starting to get my life together?  So many questions.

Ultimately, God is the author of our days. I know that going through suffering, trials, and tribulations develops our faith and gives us the strength to overcome the next situation or circumstance.  In the development of our faith, God walks with us through the difficulties we face and even sometimes carries us.  I am grateful that we never have to walk this journey alone.

We also need to trust God and His Sovereignty.  He has given us our family and friends to help us in these difficult times.

It's funny because my son and I were talking, and he wanted to know what my idea of a family was.  Something I haven't really experienced in my childhood.  Not a healthy one anyway.  I looked at family as a unit that supports and cares for one another emotionally and spiritually.  We have our biological family, friends we consider family, and our church family.  They can encourage and pray for us.  They can help take care of us by taking us to doctor's appointments, cooking, or helping to care for us during our recovery.  

I am grateful for my church family, who have continued to pray for me during this process.  This has been very encouraging for me.  I am grateful for God and his providence.  God always seems to know what I need and when I need it.

Scarlett

Battlelines Have Been Drawn: Healthy vs. Unhealthy

 

It's funny how things like cancer or any other serious diseases can cause us to reevaluate our lives.  As a woman of faith, I began looking at things introspectively many years ago.  Although, I've never been very good at it.  It is so easy to look through the lens of what others do than yourself.  

We continue to live our lives as if nothing will ever go wrong or bad.  I was already heading on a collision course with my own health.  I've had many warning signs, but never really took them seriously.  I had my gallbladder removed in 2014.  It looked like a precursor to where I am today.  I know it was due to my extremely healthy diet of deep fried foods (which I absolutely love), breads, and of course, the dreaded dessert.  There was really nothing healthy about my diet.  Vegetables (yuck), fruits are about the only thing I really liked.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think eating junk food or the lack of fruits and vegetables would rear its ugly head and take me down.  

My doctor warned me about not eating a healthy diet.  Eating fast food didn't help my cause either plus all the processed foods.  I counted it all good that I didn't smoke or drink alcohol.  I never even understood why my metabolism had shut down.  The body is a very complex thing.  It can take a lot of abuse but will eventually come to the point of resistance and fail.

I used to walk with my sister and mom many years ago.  Now my sister is gone and my mom can no longer really walk very far.  It's always nicer to have a walking partner, someone to talk to while your walking.  I did walk with a friend, but that wasn't good since she would always talk to someone else on the phone.  I might as well have been walking on my own.  Of course, my husband hates walking in the city because it affects his joints.  So I started exercising indoors, but don' t think I ever got my heart rate high enough to burn off any of the calories I consumed each day.  I think I was never able to lose my weight because I ate more than what I could burn off in a day.  

Needless to say, the change of diet has begun to help.  Eating more fruits and vegetables and less carbs.  I do partake in something sweet to eat every now and then, but not at the level I once did.  I try to jog in place every day and do ten minutes of HIIT exercises.  I needed to also find a way to strengthen my core.  Turning down unhealthy foods every day is getting much easier and the taste of vegetables is getting much better.  I don't really have a lot of sugar craving and my emotional state has started too improve.  Hopefully, eating healthier will also reverse any cell damage created by my unhealthy choices.

I think of the Daniel Diet and the book of Daniel where Daniel challenges the kings servant to let him only eat fruits and vegetables instead of all the rich delicacies offered to him.  Nothing could compare to how much healthier he looked when the challenge was over.

I believe we are given these bodies to take care off as God's living temple.  What better way to express our gratitude for what God has given us than to take care of the things he has given us.  Life is definitely to short to live for the moment. For me, I know I need to make a conscience decision to eat right, exercise and pray daily.

Scarlett

Stepping Into A Futuristic World

 I went for my breast reconstruction consultation today.  That was an interesting visit, to say the least. The office itself was a little hard to find and I wasn't the only one to feel this way.  Another woman had the same experience in locating their office. When I entered the office I felt as if I was entering a futuristic world of medicine.  As if, I was in some type of futuristic time warp.  Everything was white or light gray, walls and chairs. The receptionist sat in an area which was small and empty.  Only a desk with just a computer and an iPad which was used for us to fill out our paperwork.  The door to enter her small domain blended into the wall, barely noticeable.  Of course, she was very friendly and helpful. There were no pictures on the walls that made the office warm and welcoming. I don't think there were even any plants.  Everything appeared to be very clean and sterile. She also needed to take my photograph for my records.  I've been told it's so they can recognize me whenever I call or come into the office.  I have had to do this at every doctors office I've been to. I'm beginning to feel as if I'm entering some sort of prison.

We were called and walked through double frosted glass doors.  I really felt as if I was entering the twilight zone. We were lead into an examining room which was very clean and neat.  The staff was also friendly. The doctors assistant came in and took more photographs of me at different angles. While we were waiting, we were given an iPad to watch a video presentation of the service they offered.  I believe they really only preferred the Autologous Reconstruction (Diep Flap Reconstruction).  I guess it could also be referred to a tummy tuck.  Wow! what a way to get rid of your extra fat.  

The surgeon explained  to us about the procedure he recommended, the pros and cons of the surgery and any risk factors.  I also had a referral to go and get a CTA of my abdomen due to a previous surgery I had many many years ago.  It's kind of funny how the past can come back and haunt you.  The CTA is a computed tomography angiography.  This is a special kind of picture of the blood vessels in my stomach and pelvis.  This is to make sure the blood vessels haven't been compromised and can still be used.  I pray and hope this doesn't cause more complications.  The doctor told me the skin and fat from my abdomen have the best color to match my breast.  The reconstruction using my own skin and fat tissue would still allow me to feel the touch of someone as in a hug or embrace.  The other procedure had other complications, such as the implant moving and not having any warmth or sensations, also the possibility of any damage or future replacement.  A regular breast implant can be done at the same time as the mastectomy, with a same day in and out procedure.  One the other hand, the Diep Flap Reconstruction can also be done at the same time as the mastectomy but would require a two day stay in the hospital with a longer recovery time.  My thoughts of an implant moving somewhere other than where it was supposed to be was disconcerting.  Not to mention additional surgeries if the implants got damaged or my body rejected the implant.

I was reassured by the surgeon that he had done many of these procedure with no complications or deaths.  That's reassuring, right.  My hopes were lifted, when he told me the surgery could be done withing four weeks.  They would just need to coordinate the date with my other surgeon.

I receive the new date of my surgery and to my disappointment it was six weeks away.  Further, than I had hoped for.

Through all this, I believe God is still working.  My husband will be able to go on the men's retreat and not have to worry about my recovery.  God is good.  I believe this is within God's plan.  I am continuing to pray for healing, eating healthier and exercising.  Hopefully, these three things will make the surgery flow smoothly and minimize any complications.

Scarlett

The Second Opinion

 I had my appointment today for a second opinion on my cancer.  I spoke with an internalist and after looking at all my images came to the same conclusion.  Surgery is my only option if I want to survive.  My hope was for something other than surgery.  It appears I had false hope for a cure that was not as invasive as surgery.  This has really set me back emotionally and mentally.  I was looking for more of a holistic approach to curing this disease.  Not only did I find out surgery was my best and only option, I found out because of the genetic mutation I would also be prone to colon cancer.  Such devastating news for me. He also explained to me that if I went with the lumpectomy only, I would have too have a mammogram or MRI every six months.  He also confirmed for me that my surgeon was correct in how she was treating my cancer.

The question now is do I start all over again with all new testing and biopsies or continue with the original plan.  The outcome is ultimately the same.  If I want to survive, I need to proceed with the surgery.

I have really taken this news very hard.  It is so easy to fall into a deep depression.  This medical team has been very supportive.  They have suggested counseling and taking a deeper look at genetic testing to understand what it means.  So much is happening it is quite overwhelming.

This is taking an emotional toll on me.  I am glad my husband is so supportive and is really trying to understand what I feeling and experiencing.  It is a hard decision to make.  I know everyone going through cancer does not have the exact same experience or approach.  So it is hard to find people going through the same situation.  Why is it some people seem to get help faster than others?  Why does it seem as if others seem to connect more with each other?  I am thankful and grateful for a loving Father.

I am still looking toward my Father in heaven for healing and answers.  He has a purpose for my life and is not done with me yet.  So in the meantime, I will be patient and wait, listening for that still small voice.

Scarlett

Praying Through Difficult Times

 Today has been a difficult day.  It seems to me, that the cancer is spreading.  It's hard to not focus on this fact.  As I was getting ready for church this morning my breast seemed larger than normal.  Which is odd for me to notice, since I really never pay much attention to such things.  Yes, I know that I should pay closer attention to such details.  My mind fully believes that I can overcome this, but my body tells me something totally different.  

Church was good, the message was good and the worship team was good.  I love being in the presence of God.  I always feel so much comfort and peace when I focus on him, Jesus.

Sometimes I wonder if it is okay to question God.  I am reminded that God knows every detail of our pain and suffering.  He is everywhere and has a purpose for each of our lives.  Even when we go through suffering, trials and tribulations.  Our faith begins to grow stronger and we are drawn closer to him. 

Today, my husband asked if I wanted to go up for prayer.  Usually, the answer is no not today. I didn't want anyone to know what I was going through.  For what ever reason, today was different.  I requested, our Pastor to pray for me.  My husband and I went into the prayer room where the pastor and prayer team prayed for me and was also placed on the church prayer chain.  I am grateful for the prayer team, at our church.  Such strong, and bold prayer warriors.  They are an amazing group of people.  I had even received text prayers from some.

I feel as if God is moving through this.  It would be a lot easier if God just spoke to me in an audible voice.  Even there, would I recognize it to be God or my own thoughts.  How do I know which way God is leading me?  Through this process, I continue to pray for my family and their salvation.  I pray that they will come to have a deeper understanding of who God is and his steadfast love for them.

Scarlett

An Unclear Future

 

Well, today has been very frustrating.  My surgery has been postponed and I feel as if I am on a roller coaster ride, or the beginning of a nightmare.  

The results of the MRI have lead too more mammograms and ultra sounds.  I was supposed to go in for another biopsy, since the images showed another mass or spots on both breasts.  This has all occurred just one week before I was supposed to go in to have the seed placed.  One week before my surgery.  I couldn't even get an appointment for the biopsy until four weeks after my surgery date.  

My cancer team was able to find another facility for me to have the biopsy done and still have time to continue with the original surgery date. 

The evening prior to going to having the biopsy done, I received a call from the nurse about the possibility of them not being able to do the biopsy. They needed more clarification from my surgeon about the areas needed to be biopsied.  There were three areas on the left breast and one on the right.  They were hoping to get in touch with the surgeon before I arrived the next morning.  Since, we had not received a phone call we got ready and headed for the facility, which was a forty-five minute drive.

I checked in and waited.  Surprised, I was not ask for any information, asked to fill out any paperwork or prepay for services.  I was eventually called and taken to an office in the back.  This is where I was told they were not able to contact the doctor and would not be able to proceed with the procedure.

 Unfortunately, the radiologist did not feel comfortable with the results or conclusions of the radiologist of the original facility and needed a third opinion before proceeding with the biopsy.  It would be great if the results of the original were incorrect, right.  Now I need to wait to see what needs to be done next.  Do I still need the biopsy?  Should I just go with the mastectomy?  The path at this point is not very clear.  This was supposed to be a simple procedure.  Cut and dry...

After the consultation with the doctors. They suggested doing a MRI Biopsy. So they had to move the date of my surgery so they could do a MRI Biopsy.  Unfortunately, the surgery date would need to be moved again.  The only date available for the MRI Biopsy happened to be on the date of my next surgery.  I really don't want to have to postpone the surgery again.  The scheduler did not know how to even schedule the appointment and was concerned about them cancelling the MRI Biopsy again because the scheduling was not correct.  Plus, this procedure was going to take two days.  I called my doctors office to explain what was happening and was not able to talk with anyone.  Finally, the scheduler from my doctors office called me back and told me she would let me know more information Monday morning. Monday morning came and went, no response.  I called again and no response.  

Frustrated I am, yes indeed.

It is difficult to remain patient and calm, since I don't know if the cancer is even spreading or has spread.  Is this a super fast moving cancer?

Right now, I feel scared and unsure of the future.  I feel alone even though I know I am not walking through this alone.  My husband has been extremely supportive in every way imaginable.  I also know that God is working in this situation.

Now I have two appointments scheduled with two different facilities.  My life feels like its up in the air right now.

Scarlett

Genetic Testing and a New Perspective

Today, I met with the oncologist and he sent me to see a breast cancer surgeon for a consultation.  Even there my outlook was hopeful, since they had detected the cancer in the early stage.  

So I made my appointment with the cancer surgeon. She discussed  what she saw on the images from the mammogram and biopsy and my options of surgery, the procedure and what she recommended.  I could either have a lumpectomy or mastectomy. She also mentioned doing genetic blood testing to see if there were any mutated genes in the family history, since my sister had been diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014. I thought this would be good to know, especially if it was going to affect my children and grandchildren.  I again was hoping and praying that the results would return negative. 

 After waiting for the results of the genetic testing. I got a call from my doctor.  She told me the genes had mutated and that I had a 20 to 30 percent chance of the cancer reoccurring.  She also mentioned that the risk of it reoccurring at my age was slim.  If I was younger, the risk would be greater. Even with the positive result of the genetic testing, it isn't 100% accurate. Now the big question is do I continue with the lumpectomy or mastectomy. 

Before I got the results of the genetic testing I was optimistic about my recovery and the final outcome.  Afterwards, I couldn't believe this was happening.  Why was this happening to me?   I didn't understand.  I finally felt I came to place of truly enjoying my life and retirement. I started volunteering at the food bank and working on my art.  I began to feel I had purpose.  I felt liberated from my past and felt free of my feelings of insecurity and low self-worth.  Why did this have to happen now?  My life was just beginning. Now I feel uncertain about everything in life.  My perspective has changed tremendously.  I believe God will also use this for his glory.  I am grateful for the hope I have in Jesus.  Either way this goes I will be okay.  God has my back.

It's important to remember that genetic testing is just a valuable tool to provide potential risk of cancer reoccurring and to look at other factors such as lifestyle and environmental conditions.

I have really felt God working in this entire process.  It was difficult to hear the results of the tests, but now I could let my family know of the potential risk of developing cancer and hopefully they could be a little more proactive in taking care of their own health. I can't lie it's a hard decision, but I'm trying to take things one step at a time.  Do I have other options?  Maybe???  After careful thought and prayer, my decision was to still continue with the lumpectomy.

Scarlett

The beginning of an Unexpected Journey

 

Hi I'm Scarlett and I have decided to share my journey with breast cancer with you.  

I had put off going to the the doctor for a few years now.  I felt healthy and didn't want to waste time and money to go see a doctor that was only going to tell you that your problem was drinking to much soda or being fat.  

For some unknown reason this year was different.  I felt that I really needed to get a physical.  I had been struggling with weight gain for a couple of years now and was not able to lose the weight.  It didn't matter how much exercise I did or how little I ate.

When my husband went to the doctor for his injured leg, I made the decision to make an appointment to get my yearly physical.  After all, full physicals were covered 100% by our insurance.  Little did I know that this was going to be a series of many tests.

Everything was going as expected.  Everything was flowing smoothly.  All test came back ok except for the mammogram...

I had to go back for another series of images and more images at different angles, plus an ultra sound which came as complete surprise.  The ultra sound did not even reveal a lump or any other sign of cancer.  Although, the doctor was convinced there was a problem. So my next visit was for a biopsy.

I'm not even exactly sure how I felt at that point.  Praying everything would come back negative or that the cancer cell was benign. Praying and hoping that this wasn't happening.

The biopsy was not quite what I was expecting either.  Totally convinced by the medical team that the only thing which really hurt was lying down on the table.  

Yes, the table was uncomfortable.  I was given a local anesthesia to numb the area around my left breast.  Of course, I was fully awake and unable to see the procedure. Not that I really wanted to anyway.  All I could hear was the sound of the machine.  Which did sort of sound like a sewing machine drilling into my breast with a needle scraping tissue to be examined.

Then the moment of truth.  On Friday, June 13th I received the news.  My doctor call and told me I had invasive ductal carcinoma.  The report was urgent and I needed to see an oncologist.  I was scared because I didn't know how severe or what type of breast cancer I had.

This whole process has been so overwhelming.  All the consultations and appointments.  I don't know what to think or what to feel.

Scarlett