Another Glorious Day

 

I finally got the call to schedule my second breast surgery.  I have to say that I'm really scared and apprehensive about the surgery.  I've read through the consent form and all the risks.  Initially, I was anxious to finish the entire procedure. Leave everything behind me and go on with my life.  The thought of the risks really frightens me.  In the end, is it worth it? I pray that God will continue to be with me through the process.  

The surgery is an in-and-out procedure and will take about 45 minutes to complete.  Hopefully, there will not be any complications.  I am confident in my doctor's skills.  My fear is my own ability to recover from another surgery. All the medications have been submitted.  It will also be another six weeks with no exercise, except for walking. 

I am trying to remain positive and to be grateful for all things.  Sometimes I think it's really hard to remain positive when there are many stressors in life.  I think there will be a lot of stress on the day of the surgery. One, we have to be at the hospital two hours before the surgery.  Two, the hospital is also under construction, and parking will be limited.  Plus, I can't have anything to drink all day until after the surgery.  Small sips of water throughout the day.  Again, is it really worth it?

My mind is really racing today.  What will the final outcome be?  Will the surgery make things worse?  I don't want to have to go through more surgeries trying to correct the first. God, what do I do?  I've prayed about this and don't know what the answer is.  Sometimes I wish it were an audible answer.  How do I know for sure if it is the right thing to do?

I continue to trust God in the process.  I know my hope is in Him.  Continuing to walk this journey one day at a time, praying that one day I can put this behind me. 

Scarlett

The End Of A Difficult Year

 It is hard to believe we have come to the end of another year.  A year filled with fear, hope, love, anger, depression, disappointments, and challenges.  I thank God every day for bringing me through these challenges. I am grateful for my family and friends who have prayed for me and have been there for me. I am also thankful for my pastor and my church family.

 Finding out I had cancer in June and all the decisions we had to make. The fear I felt, and the many nights I cried, not knowing where this diagnosis was going to lead me. The ups and downs of life, as well as the uncertainty of the future.  Even though I am cancer-free today, it does not mean that it will never return. I struggle with this fact, especially when I hear of someone else I know diagnosed with some form of cancer. I have been trying to learn as much as I can about this disease and how it can affect my family in the future. I have also tried fundraising for cancer research and helping cancer patients through the American Cancer Society.  This only added to my frustration; it seemed as if no one was interested, or it just didn't matter. I still try to understand why I developed cancer in the first place and how my DNA mutated.

It's even been harder to maintain a change in lifestyle, diet, and exercise, especially during the holidays.  I seemed to make it through Thanksgiving okay, but Christmas has been a little more challenging. All the snacks, parties, desserts, and foods are very tempting. Even when some of those gifts are given, or desserts are requested. I felt so disappointed when I found out I had gained four pounds. You begin eating desserts, and before you know it, you've eaten more than you realize.  The stresses of everyday life have also been difficult.  My son, his son, and his daughter have moved in with us temporarily.  It has been a difficult transition, as our lifestyles are extremely different.  I'm trying to refrain from all the junk food, fast food, and fried foods, which are what they consume.  The convenience of fast food has led to a huge decline in my own health. My husband tells me to continue cooking as I did before, and if they eat, that's good; if they don't, that's okay too.  

Although life is more stressful today than usual, I know I have nothing to fear, and it will not always be.  God is with me every day.  He is my firm foundation and my refuge.  God is faithful through all generations, and I am extremely grateful for all these things.

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, "

                                                                                                                   Hebrews 12:28

Although this year has had many challenges and fears, it has also had love, hope, and healing. Not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually.  This year has helped me to realize I have friends who care and are praying for me.  I have family who love me even when some days I feel alone and empty inside. We can not live life by our emotions because sometimes our emotions lie to us.  We need to trust in God and learn to live by that fact more than emotion.  I have hope for the coming year, no matters what happens God is with me always.  This is truth, not my truth but God's truth and that's what matters most.

Scarlett

The Storms of Life

I had my first consultation with the GI doctor today.  I love how efficient the staff is and the easy check-in procedure.  I didn't need to fill out endless pages of paperwork.  I wasn't quite sure what to expect from the visit.   I spoke with the doctor, explaining why I was there and the results of the genetic testing.  Since he didn't have a copy of the results, he said he would start with a colonoscopy. He told me the other tests were costly and wanted to wait until he reviewed the genetic testing. If the ATM gene were found in my genetic testing, I would need to have a colonoscopy once a year; otherwise, every 10 years. He said he would let me know about any other testing once he received the genetic test results. My colonoscopy has been scheduled, and I'm not looking forward to it.

Later in the afternoon, I received another call from the imaging facility to make an appointment, for what I did not know.  It is very frustrating talking with their appointment setters.  You can never understand what they are saying, and the background noise doesn't help. Also, having to repeat insurance information every time is crazy.  All of this information should be in their database.  Then they want to know why I was making the appointment, how I would know what it was for, and why it took half an hour to set it. After talking with the person on the phone, I figured the GI doctor got the results. The appointment was for an MRI of my abdomen.

I have also had my visit with the gynecologist/oncologist.  After speaking with her, she recommended having my ovaries removed.  There was no way to detect ovarian cancer in its early stages.  Even yearly monitoring would not help.  So my next decision is whether or not to have the ovaries removed, just as a precaution.

This week was very difficult emotionally.  I had a cold and was not feeling well. I'm not sure how long it will take to recover, since the loss of estrogen also lowers my immunity. I've also started taking some probiotics, which should help boost my immune system.  Thinking about having my ovaries removed and all the additional testing.  I just want my life back.

The best thing was going to bible study or just plain studying my bible.  There is so much encouragement and insight in reading and studying God's word.  I was so depressed about my outcome, but remembered Paul's words.  God said his grace was sufficient for me.  For my power is made perfect in weakness.  I'm just paraphrasing, of course.  I was also reminded of how faithful God is, even though sometimes he allows certain thing to happen.  We must look for the blessings in our circumstances and rejoice, pray and give thanks in everything.  One woman in my bible study, who is losing her eyesight put it this way.  How can I not have joy when God has given me so much. The blessings outweigh the circumstance.  I know sometimes I take people, God and life for granted. Sometimes it's hard to see the blessing through the circumstances of our lives.  Always look up to God praise him in the storm, pray for healing or guidance and be grateful for all things.  

Scarlett

Side Effect Blues

 

Today has been hard for me. I feel an overwhelming sadness to the point of just wanting to break down and cry. I've prayed and journaled about this feeling. I know I'm not alone on this journey.  God and my family are always with me.  I'm not sure if it's the medication or just life circumstances. Life has been very stressful lately.  My medication could also cause depression and mood swings. I don't like the thought of having to monitor my health for the rest of my life.  I have also had a lot of pain, not only in my breast but also in my leg. Which could also be a side effect of the medication.  I really don't want to have to change drugs and begin all over again. Most of all, I don't want to take another pill for depression.  After all, most medications have side effects, some more terrible than others. My other option is to not take the estrogen blocker and take the chance that the cancer will not recur. Continuing the path to healthy eating, exercise, prayer, and bible study. Which I would prefer. 

I am constantly learning something new about the medication I am taking.  Apparently, one side effect not on the list of side effects is stress urinary incontinence.  Lower estrogen can cause a weakening of the muscles and nerves that control the bladder, along with menopause and obesity.  Although not all women taking anastrozole are affected by stress urinary incontinence.  Fortunately, there are exercises you can do to help strengthen the muscles around the pelvic floor. Knowledge is key, and learning new ways to maintain it is important.

It has also occurred to me that our emotions can also have an effect on our overall health.  I remember hearing many years ago how stress can cause chronic diseases. I believe this to be true; anxiety, anger, unforgiveness, and many other emotions can lead to many health issues.  All of which can lead to depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, and many other vices.  All is a subject for another time.

The good news is I no longer need to go to physical therapy twice a week.  Only once a week for the next three weeks.  I'm ready for this to be finished.  I can do all these stretches at home.  The most important part was the message therapy to my breast to soften the breast tissue and get the blood circulating.  The message also helped with reducing the scar tissue.  It has also been interesting talking to the physical therapists.  I was curious as to why they chose breast reconstruction therapy; both therapist said their mothers had breast cancer.  One survived and the other passed away, but both young women wanted to help other women going through reconstructive surgery.

 I still have many appointments scheduled for the next few weeks.  I have to undergo a CT scan, a consultation with a GI specialist and a gynecologist/oncologist, as well as additional lab work. I also canceled my appointment with the genetic counselor.  My insurance company will not cover the consultation, so I need to explore alternative options.

I am grateful for God because God is good all the time.  No matter what life throws at me, I know God will use it for my good and the good of others.  To grow my faith, strengthen me, and lead me to be more like his son, Jesus. To spread the good news or just as a lesson in life. Stay focused on God always.

Scarlett

Faith in God

 

It has been seven weeks since my surgery.  I am finally able to sleep on my side.  I am so excited! No more bed wedges, recliners, or just plain sleeping on my back. I am finally able to turn. Yeah!!!  I know this is a small win, but I'll take it.  I don't even feel as much pain getting out of bed each morning.  Although I have been experiencing some pain in the left side of my abdomen whenever I bend or move in certain positions.

I went to physical therapy today and discussed this with my therapist.  When she examined my abdomen, she said it could be an air pocket.  How could this happen? I wondered.  She massaged my abdomen, arms, and breasts. She checked my wounds and said everything was looking good.  I then finished my PT with my usual stretches.

I had always thought physical therapy was a waste of time and money.  Plus, the drive was long for the amount of time I was there.  I now see the benefits of going, even though I felt it was inconvenient.  I can see how important it is for overall health and healing.  I have really been trying to do exactly what the doctors tell me to do.  

Going through breast cancer has helped me to see how diet and exercise are important in my overall health.  I have attempted to teach young children about healthy eating habits and exercise for years, but I have never practiced eating healthy myself.  I was always active, but over the past several years, not so much.  I started to consume more food than I exercised and gained so much weight, even to the point of being considered obese.  I can't even say I felt good being overweight.  From my understanding, this is one of the leading reasons for certain types of cancer. Obesity can lead to the production of increased insulin, inflammation, and estrogen. Too much estrogen is what fed my cancer.

A couple of years ago, I started investigating the reasons why my metabolism had slowed down.  I might have developed insulin resistance, so I started intermittent fasting. Not even realizing how insulin resistance affected many areas of the body, including diabetes. I thought I would have developed diabetes long before cancer.  I always felt I had the symptoms of diabetes, but testing for diabetes always came back negative. Thank God, I'm not sure which would be worse, cancer or diabetes.

 I am still working on eating healthier and exercising, praying daily and studying my bible.  I think these are the core foundations of a lifestyle change I need to continue in my life.  My faith in God has brought me much hope in the healing process. God continues to walk with me daily, and I know I would never have been able to get through this time without God and my family. Prayers from my church family have also been crucial to my healing. Through my church family I have been able to experience the love of Christ.

Scarlett

A New Dawn

 

After the surgery was completed, I was taken to the recovery room.  I don't really remember anything that happened while I was there.  I was then taken to a regular room.  I would be in the hospital for two days.  Making sure there were no complications from the surgery.  Monitors were attached to my breasts and, of course, my IV.

It was nice to see the family there.  It was encouraging to know they cared enough to be there.  Even though I don't remember everything.  My youngest granddaughter was busy doing her homework, or so we thought.  She just loves to milk time and hates schoolwork.  I know it was hard for my oldest granddaughter to be there, since her ex-boyfriend and the father of her baby lives across the street. She has always been my angel since the day she was born. I suffered from depression most of my life.  When she was born, she brought hope with her. I felt a new purpose for my life. We spent a lot of time together.  I couldn't wait to get home from work and hold her.  She was my lifeline. I didn't acknowledge God at that period of time, but looking back, I believe God sent her to save my life.  Life has never been easy for me, but having them there brought a sense of peace.  I truly felt as if God had answered my prayers.  I was also surprised to hear from my sister, the one who wished I had never mentioned having cancer. She called the day before I was admitted to the hospital and every day I was there. We had some good conversations, and she made me laugh.  She never came to visit me, even though I was close to where she lived. Of course, my mom didn't come because the hospital was far from her house, but she at least called.  I know she was concerned and prayed that everything went well.

The time in the hospital didn't seem long. This could be due to all the drugs I was taking.  The nurses were friendly and communicative.  I had a visit from my first surgeon, and she stated that everything looked good.  A visit from my second surgeon's physician's assistant also stopped by and said the same thing.  

I had one drain attached to each side, which removed any fluid from my breast that could cause any possible infection.  I'm guessing the nurses were surprised I didn't have four.  The nurses would come in twice a day to check my drains.  There was not much drainage while I was in the hospital.  I did ask the nurses and doctor if this was normal, and they said "yes".  When it was time for me to be discharged, the nurse showed my husband how to drain my drains.

Everything looked good, and I was released from the hospital and on my way back home.  My son had stopped by the house to rearrange the room, making it more easily accessible.  I was to use a walker for a few days.  

As the days passed, I found it extremely difficult to sleep since I could only sleep in an upright position.  I had purchased a wedge for my bed to help me sleep.  That didn't work well.  

My husband continued to check my drains each day.  There was still not much drainage.  When I went back to the doctor the following week.  He removed my drains.  I was surprised and could not believe this was happening so soon.  I've heard breast drains are usually left in for two to three weeks, and most people have more drainage.  I wondered if this was a good or bad thing.  I certainly was not looking for any complications from them being removed too early.  Although I was ecstatic at the news.  He also told me I needed to start walking one mile every day.

I am amazed and happy that everything looked good.  I still believe that the preparation of diet and exercise I undertook before the surgery was helpful. Most of all, the prayers I received from my church family and friends.  I could really sense their prayers.  I feel so blessed over how everything has gone. God is so so good!!!

Scarlett

Battlelines Have Been Drawn: Healthy vs. Unhealthy

 

It's funny how things like cancer or any other serious diseases can cause us to reevaluate our lives.  As a woman of faith, I began looking at things introspectively many years ago.  Although, I've never been very good at it.  It is so easy to look through the lens of what others do than yourself.  

We continue to live our lives as if nothing will ever go wrong or bad.  I was already heading on a collision course with my own health.  I've had many warning signs, but never really took them seriously.  I had my gallbladder removed in 2014.  It looked like a precursor to where I am today.  I know it was due to my extremely healthy diet of deep fried foods (which I absolutely love), breads, and of course, the dreaded dessert.  There was really nothing healthy about my diet.  Vegetables (yuck), fruits are about the only thing I really liked.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think eating junk food or the lack of fruits and vegetables would rear its ugly head and take me down.  

My doctor warned me about not eating a healthy diet.  Eating fast food didn't help my cause either plus all the processed foods.  I counted it all good that I didn't smoke or drink alcohol.  I never even understood why my metabolism had shut down.  The body is a very complex thing.  It can take a lot of abuse but will eventually come to the point of resistance and fail.

I used to walk with my sister and mom many years ago.  Now my sister is gone and my mom can no longer really walk very far.  It's always nicer to have a walking partner, someone to talk to while your walking.  I did walk with a friend, but that wasn't good since she would always talk to someone else on the phone.  I might as well have been walking on my own.  Of course, my husband hates walking in the city because it affects his joints.  So I started exercising indoors, but don' t think I ever got my heart rate high enough to burn off any of the calories I consumed each day.  I think I was never able to lose my weight because I ate more than what I could burn off in a day.  

Needless to say, the change of diet has begun to help.  Eating more fruits and vegetables and less carbs.  I do partake in something sweet to eat every now and then, but not at the level I once did.  I try to jog in place every day and do ten minutes of HIIT exercises.  I needed to also find a way to strengthen my core.  Turning down unhealthy foods every day is getting much easier and the taste of vegetables is getting much better.  I don't really have a lot of sugar craving and my emotional state has started too improve.  Hopefully, eating healthier will also reverse any cell damage created by my unhealthy choices.

I think of the Daniel Diet and the book of Daniel where Daniel challenges the kings servant to let him only eat fruits and vegetables instead of all the rich delicacies offered to him.  Nothing could compare to how much healthier he looked when the challenge was over.

I believe we are given these bodies to take care off as God's living temple.  What better way to express our gratitude for what God has given us than to take care of the things he has given us.  Life is definitely to short to live for the moment. For me, I know I need to make a conscience decision to eat right, exercise and pray daily.

Scarlett

The Second Opinion

 I had my appointment today for a second opinion on my cancer.  I spoke with an internalist and after looking at all my images came to the same conclusion.  Surgery is my only option if I want to survive.  My hope was for something other than surgery.  It appears I had false hope for a cure that was not as invasive as surgery.  This has really set me back emotionally and mentally.  I was looking for more of a holistic approach to curing this disease.  Not only did I find out surgery was my best and only option, I found out because of the genetic mutation I would also be prone to colon cancer.  Such devastating news for me. He also explained to me that if I went with the lumpectomy only, I would have too have a mammogram or MRI every six months.  He also confirmed for me that my surgeon was correct in how she was treating my cancer.

The question now is do I start all over again with all new testing and biopsies or continue with the original plan.  The outcome is ultimately the same.  If I want to survive, I need to proceed with the surgery.

I have really taken this news very hard.  It is so easy to fall into a deep depression.  This medical team has been very supportive.  They have suggested counseling and taking a deeper look at genetic testing to understand what it means.  So much is happening it is quite overwhelming.

This is taking an emotional toll on me.  I am glad my husband is so supportive and is really trying to understand what I feeling and experiencing.  It is a hard decision to make.  I know everyone going through cancer does not have the exact same experience or approach.  So it is hard to find people going through the same situation.  Why is it some people seem to get help faster than others?  Why does it seem as if others seem to connect more with each other?  I am thankful and grateful for a loving Father.

I am still looking toward my Father in heaven for healing and answers.  He has a purpose for my life and is not done with me yet.  So in the meantime, I will be patient and wait, listening for that still small voice.

Scarlett

Praying Through Difficult Times

 Today has been a difficult day.  It seems to me, that the cancer is spreading.  It's hard to not focus on this fact.  As I was getting ready for church this morning my breast seemed larger than normal.  Which is odd for me to notice, since I really never pay much attention to such things.  Yes, I know that I should pay closer attention to such details.  My mind fully believes that I can overcome this, but my body tells me something totally different.  

Church was good, the message was good and the worship team was good.  I love being in the presence of God.  I always feel so much comfort and peace when I focus on him, Jesus.

Sometimes I wonder if it is okay to question God.  I am reminded that God knows every detail of our pain and suffering.  He is everywhere and has a purpose for each of our lives.  Even when we go through suffering, trials and tribulations.  Our faith begins to grow stronger and we are drawn closer to him. 

Today, my husband asked if I wanted to go up for prayer.  Usually, the answer is no not today. I didn't want anyone to know what I was going through.  For what ever reason, today was different.  I requested, our Pastor to pray for me.  My husband and I went into the prayer room where the pastor and prayer team prayed for me and was also placed on the church prayer chain.  I am grateful for the prayer team, at our church.  Such strong, and bold prayer warriors.  They are an amazing group of people.  I had even received text prayers from some.

I feel as if God is moving through this.  It would be a lot easier if God just spoke to me in an audible voice.  Even there, would I recognize it to be God or my own thoughts.  How do I know which way God is leading me?  Through this process, I continue to pray for my family and their salvation.  I pray that they will come to have a deeper understanding of who God is and his steadfast love for them.

Scarlett