Musings

 

The holidays have always been a challenge for me. This time of year led to major depression. As an adult with a family, I never wanted to set up a Christmas Tree or decorate the house.  I would do such things right before Christmas Day. I even tried to incorporate new traditions with not much success.The holidays have never been what I had dreamed of as a child or an adult. My favorite part of the holidays is going to church.  This is where I found the most peace. Praising and worshiping God. I looked at the world and wondered what had happened to me.  Sometimes depression started to set in because of my family, perhaps due to my own high expectations at the time.  As a child, my family never prayed before meals or sat at the dinner table. We never talked about what happened during our day or anything happening in our lives. Everyone complained about everything and was very critical.  I have looked introspectively and discovered some things about myself.  Such as being secretive and hiding who I am because everything I said and anything I did was used against me. I could never be comfortable with who I was created to be. Being criticized about the gifts I purchased has caused me much stress. Giving and generosity were never taught. I had no positive influences in my life, only negativity. I also never understood the love of God, even though I attended church every Sunday.  To me, even God was judgmental and punishing. I never truly understood the grace of God. I allowed fear to govern my life.

I thank God for bringing my husband into my life.  He has taught me what love and grace look like.  He has been patient with me when I was at my worst and stood by me when my health began to fail.  Along with God he has been my rock.  It has taken many years to overcome my depression but consistently going to bible study and prayer has helped me to see God in a new light.

Stress and negative emotions could have also been a catalyst for my cancer along with my unhealthy diet. I am grateful I am no longer in that place.  My life has changed significantly. We eat, pray, and talk about the events of our day.  Finding joy in the things I'm doing and trying new things.  My life and my expectations have also changed since finding out I had cancer.  I now see life differently.  I try not to allow little annoyances to bother me too much.  I am also trying to step out of my box and experience new things (like this blog).  I no longer want to live in a world of secrecy, I don't believe God created me to live this way.  I need to continue exploring and developing the talents and skills God has given me.

This Christmas season remember the hope we have in Christ Jesus.  Create a gratitude list and ponder the blessings you have been given each day.  Even the most basic things as a roof over you head and food to eat, clean drinking water and hot showers.  Some things we never even consider and sometimes take for granted.

A good scripture verse to remember also is 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self control. This gives us so much freedom not only personally but socially.

Many Blessing,

Scarlett

Like Snowflakes Every Journey is Unique

Finally had the colonoscopy done.  The actual procedure was not as bad as the prep. I felt like I was going into surgery again. My appointment was set early in the morning, so I had my granddaughter with me. My husband was going to drop me off and then take her to school.  This seemed to be a problem with the hospital because they would not start the procedure without him being there. The good thing was that I had to answer a lot of questions and change into my fancy hospital gown, which gave him time to return.  He couldn't even wait in the parking lot.  He had to stay in the area the entire time. Apparently, they have had problems with the patients' drivers not being available when the patients were ready to go home.  The nurse came in and started an IV, which, of course, caused some discomfort. I still have a bruise and pain in my hand from the insertion of the IV. The anesthesiologist came in to notify me of the anesthesia he would be administering. The doctor performing the colonoscopy spoke with me, and to my surprise, it was my GI doctor. It felt as if I was semi-conscious because I could hear voices talking. Perhaps it was the anesthesia wearing off. My doctor let me know they found a small polyp and removed it.  He said everything else looked good and did not see any concern about the polyp being cancerous. They will consult with me in about two weeks.  He also let me know some other good news.  The MRI of my pancreas was also good.  This has been so encouraging for me and a relief.

 Learning about cancer has been an interesting subject for me. It is also encouraging to know the survival rate is very high if cancer is detected in the early stages. I am also surprised at the types and subtypes of cancer that exist.  I enjoy hearing the stories of cancer patients and survivors.  I believe we can all learn something from their stories. Each of us has a story to tell, and even though we may have the same type of cancer, the treatment for each individual is different. To my own surprise, I didn't need to go through radiation treatment or chemotherapy before or after my surgery.  I could never imagine or understand the fear they must feel when going through radiation therapy or chemotherapy.  What a joyous feeling they must feel when they can ring the bell after cancer treatment is completed, marking the end of a difficult journey and the beginning of a new chapter in their lives.  It is true that when you are diagnosed with cancer, your life changes, and your priorities change. When we are going through cancer and cancer treatment, it's important to also remember to love and care for each other.  It is also true that some of us may feel isolated from our families and friends because they don't know how to react to us when we are diagnosed with cancer.  I believe many people still believe cancer is a death sentence, and we need to help people become more aware of the survival rate of cancer patients today.

I believe our faith in God is also important as we walk through this life.  The hope we have in Christ Jesus.  Maintaining a positive attitude also helps strengthen our immune system, reduces stress, improves our relationships, and enhances mental well-being. As stated in Proverbs 17:22 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Scarlett

Gratitude In All Things

 

Life has been pretty crazy lately.  So much has been happening, and sometimes I fear the stress may push me back to a negative space. Stress, for me, is not a good thing because it can trigger the release of cortisol. This can cause weight gain and other symptoms, such as fatigue, increased inflammation, and decreased immune function. Cortisol is the main hormone involved in glucose energy metabolism.  I don't even like the thought of gaining all my weight back. I have worked hard to lose over twenty pounds. It still amazes me how complex the body is and how it affects every part of us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I also don't have my quiet time anymore, where I spend time with God.  This is a priority for me, but I also don't want to segregate myself from my family. I need to regain my sense of balance in exercise and diet, and of course, my spiritual life. 

I have prayed for years that God would reconcile my family.  Sometimes I feel as if he is doing this through the cancer.  I get to see my children and grandchildren more often.  I also pray that they would come to receive God's love and salvation. 

I am also coming to terms with the fact that any other potential cancer I face is just a risk.  I still feel I need to maintain a healthy diet, exercise, and spend time in prayer and bible study.  As Thanksgiving approaches, I need to remember the many things for which I am grateful.  Even when life seems dark and hopeless.  I know I have all I really need, for God's grace is sufficient for me.

I continue to work out every day, even though I am not eating as healthy as I once was.  My weight continues to fluctuate, but I believe that as life begins to settle down, I will again regain my sense of peace.

As Thanksgiving approaches look for the Blessings in Everything around you.

Scarlett

The Storms of Life

I had my first consultation with the GI doctor today.  I love how efficient the staff is and the easy check-in procedure.  I didn't need to fill out endless pages of paperwork.  I wasn't quite sure what to expect from the visit.   I spoke with the doctor, explaining why I was there and the results of the genetic testing.  Since he didn't have a copy of the results, he said he would start with a colonoscopy. He told me the other tests were costly and wanted to wait until he reviewed the genetic testing. If the ATM gene were found in my genetic testing, I would need to have a colonoscopy once a year; otherwise, every 10 years. He said he would let me know about any other testing once he received the genetic test results. My colonoscopy has been scheduled, and I'm not looking forward to it.

Later in the afternoon, I received another call from the imaging facility to make an appointment, for what I did not know.  It is very frustrating talking with their appointment setters.  You can never understand what they are saying, and the background noise doesn't help. Also, having to repeat insurance information every time is crazy.  All of this information should be in their database.  Then they want to know why I was making the appointment, how I would know what it was for, and why it took half an hour to set it. After talking with the person on the phone, I figured the GI doctor got the results. The appointment was for an MRI of my abdomen.

I have also had my visit with the gynecologist/oncologist.  After speaking with her, she recommended having my ovaries removed.  There was no way to detect ovarian cancer in its early stages.  Even yearly monitoring would not help.  So my next decision is whether or not to have the ovaries removed, just as a precaution.

This week was very difficult emotionally.  I had a cold and was not feeling well. I'm not sure how long it will take to recover, since the loss of estrogen also lowers my immunity. I've also started taking some probiotics, which should help boost my immune system.  Thinking about having my ovaries removed and all the additional testing.  I just want my life back.

The best thing was going to bible study or just plain studying my bible.  There is so much encouragement and insight in reading and studying God's word.  I was so depressed about my outcome, but remembered Paul's words.  God said his grace was sufficient for me.  For my power is made perfect in weakness.  I'm just paraphrasing, of course.  I was also reminded of how faithful God is, even though sometimes he allows certain thing to happen.  We must look for the blessings in our circumstances and rejoice, pray and give thanks in everything.  One woman in my bible study, who is losing her eyesight put it this way.  How can I not have joy when God has given me so much. The blessings outweigh the circumstance.  I know sometimes I take people, God and life for granted. Sometimes it's hard to see the blessing through the circumstances of our lives.  Always look up to God praise him in the storm, pray for healing or guidance and be grateful for all things.  

Scarlett

Side Effect Blues

 

Today has been hard for me. I feel an overwhelming sadness to the point of just wanting to break down and cry. I've prayed and journaled about this feeling. I know I'm not alone on this journey.  God and my family are always with me.  I'm not sure if it's the medication or just life circumstances. Life has been very stressful lately.  My medication could also cause depression and mood swings. I don't like the thought of having to monitor my health for the rest of my life.  I have also had a lot of pain, not only in my breast but also in my leg. Which could also be a side effect of the medication.  I really don't want to have to change drugs and begin all over again. Most of all, I don't want to take another pill for depression.  After all, most medications have side effects, some more terrible than others. My other option is to not take the estrogen blocker and take the chance that the cancer will not recur. Continuing the path to healthy eating, exercise, prayer, and bible study. Which I would prefer. 

I am constantly learning something new about the medication I am taking.  Apparently, one side effect not on the list of side effects is stress urinary incontinence.  Lower estrogen can cause a weakening of the muscles and nerves that control the bladder, along with menopause and obesity.  Although not all women taking anastrozole are affected by stress urinary incontinence.  Fortunately, there are exercises you can do to help strengthen the muscles around the pelvic floor. Knowledge is key, and learning new ways to maintain it is important.

It has also occurred to me that our emotions can also have an effect on our overall health.  I remember hearing many years ago how stress can cause chronic diseases. I believe this to be true; anxiety, anger, unforgiveness, and many other emotions can lead to many health issues.  All of which can lead to depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, and many other vices.  All is a subject for another time.

The good news is I no longer need to go to physical therapy twice a week.  Only once a week for the next three weeks.  I'm ready for this to be finished.  I can do all these stretches at home.  The most important part was the message therapy to my breast to soften the breast tissue and get the blood circulating.  The message also helped with reducing the scar tissue.  It has also been interesting talking to the physical therapists.  I was curious as to why they chose breast reconstruction therapy; both therapist said their mothers had breast cancer.  One survived and the other passed away, but both young women wanted to help other women going through reconstructive surgery.

 I still have many appointments scheduled for the next few weeks.  I have to undergo a CT scan, a consultation with a GI specialist and a gynecologist/oncologist, as well as additional lab work. I also canceled my appointment with the genetic counselor.  My insurance company will not cover the consultation, so I need to explore alternative options.

I am grateful for God because God is good all the time.  No matter what life throws at me, I know God will use it for my good and the good of others.  To grow my faith, strengthen me, and lead me to be more like his son, Jesus. To spread the good news or just as a lesson in life. Stay focused on God always.

Scarlett

Richard & Annette Bloch Cancer Survivors Park

 After dropping off some friends at the airport, we stopped at Papago Park to have lunch and take pictures.  It was a beautiful day, since it had just rained.  On our way home, we noticed a sign for Richard & Annette Bloch Cancer Survivors Park in downtown Phoenix.  We stopped to check it out.  To my dismay, the park was in disrepair, neglected, and vandalized. Some of the bronze plates were missing, and the fountain was not operational (probably due to the homeless).  It had originally been designed to give hope to cancer patients who were recently diagnosed with cancer.  The park was designed to offer hope, instruction, and inspiration to those undergoing cancer. There were three factors present. 1) Was to have a positive mental attitude. 2) Five bronze figures representing fear, hope, and determination. Three bronze figures representing successful treatment. 3) The Road to Recovery, which explained what cancer is and basic actions to successfully overcome the disease.  The bronze statues were created by Victor Salmones as a labor of love.  It is so sad that his work of art was destroyed.

This was a beautiful way to show people that cancer was not a death sentence and there was hope.  It was encouraging and told a story of hope and determination.  That we should never give up, no matter what. I did not even know this park existed.  It was founded by Richard and Annette Bloch after he was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal lung cancer and told he had only three months to live. I thought his story of fighting back and not accepting the diagnosis was very encouraging.  Surviving stage 4 lung cancer is remarkable.

I have met and known so many people who have had different types of cancer and have survived.  I don't think we hear of too many of those stories.  My mom even mentioned the same thing one day. Why don't we hear of people who have survived?  Fortunately, I know many women who have survived breast cancer.  Women who have had either a lumpectomy or a mastectomy.  Having been diagnosed with breast cancer myself and being a survivor has led me to want to know more about the disease.

I think it is important to know everything about the type of cancer you're fighting. To have faith and never give up.  I feel Richard Bloch has a fascinating story and can be read on the website for Richard & Annette Bloch Foundation, and his vision for helping cancer patients.  It is so true that knowledge heals, ignorance kills.

Scarlett

The Oncologist

 I must admit I am struggling emotionally today.  I spoke with my oncologist today, and he shared the results of my genomic testing with me.  Not only do I have the risk of colon cancer, but also pancreatic and ovarian cancer.  Can I ever get a break???  My cholesterol levels are elevated and, of course, my favorite fatty liver. I feel like my health is sliding out of control.  I have changed my diet and have been exercising, but nothing seems to be helping.  My eyesight is also deteriorating.  I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up.  I understand that some of the cancer results are just risks.  My oncologist has also referred me to a genomic counselor to review the test results to help me gain a better understanding of them. Another problem is that my insurance does not cover genetic counseling. Plus, the results of the bone density test.  Apparently, I also have osteopenia, low bone density.  This could lead to osteoporosis. In taking an estrogen blocker, my bone density will need to be monitored more often, and I need to be mindful that it is easier to break a bone. ( I guess playing any type of sport is out) Fortunately, this can be reversed, again through a combination of diet and exercise.  I am seeing a recurring theme here. I also have a referral to a gynecologist/oncologist to check my pelvis and ovaries.  Once again, I need to have those lovely pap smears (Ugh) and lab work to check my pancreas. All of this is quite overwhelming.  My husband is questioning all the testing.  Is it really necessary...

I had my visit with my breast reconstruction surgeon, and he said all restrictions have been lifted.  I can do all the things I did before the surgery.  This has been good news for me.  He also told me I would need to schedule another appointment in six weeks to discuss a second surgery. This surgery was intended to make any changes I wanted, such as adding nipples, removing any scarring, and making my breasts asymmetrical.

I have also begun taking the estrogen blocker Anastrozole.  I am just waiting to see what type of side effects it will have on me.  Hopefully, there should be none, as this medication can cause bone loss. I also need to go back to my original diet before the surgery. I feel as if I'm going down the same path that led me to the cancer. It is so much easier to consume food out of convenience than to prepare a healthier meal.  I need to remain focused on my health and spiritual life rather than what is easy.

Scarlett